It finally happened

Its actually taken me two weeks to write about this one cause it got me good. I didn't even know what I was walking into until it was too late, I had no time to attempt to mentally prepare myself. I didn't just watch this time, I actually participated in a pediatric code. I had to push on a 6 year old's chest to help his heart beat (only done it on a mannequin before). I had to push some of the meds. I had to hear the mom scream out 'NO' when we asked if we could stop the resuscitation efforts (it had been 45 mins). I had to see the grandmothers come in just before we called the code so they could hold his little hand and say their goodbyes - all the while hysterically crying and practically falling on the floor. I experienced it, couldn't escape the emotions this time. I could feel the tears welling up, then streaming down my face. I saw some of the other nurses who I've seen in this same situation and not cry start crying. I lost it. It seemed so so unfair. A perfectly healthy little boy (appearing so with no major medical history) just collapsed while doing what kids do running. I even saw the pediatrician cry and the respiratory people. My face was red, my eyes blood shot - and I had to shake it off and work the rest of my shift. As it was it occurred in the first 2 hrs of the shift. No way to start out the night. The next morning when I told Mom about it, I started crying all over again. And even know, I've got tears welling up.

It happened on little Kenny's Bday, and I had just talked to him on my way into work to wish him a Happy Bday. And all I could think while doing what we were was how does anyone survive that. What if it was one of the 'seemingly healthy' kids in this family. How in the hell would I cope. How in the hell would their parents cope? Lets just say I don't want to find out.

Sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into being an ER nurse - seriously I know someone has to do it, but why did I choose to? I cant even answer it for myself. I guess this type of experience is not what I got into the career for, its unfortunately a piece of it sometimes.

Rest in peace little guy. God knows with all the crazy s&^% going on in the world today you are truly in a better more beautiful place.