The post-love hump

Is there such a thing? Sorry it's gonna be a long one - it happens when I try to go deep into my brain :)

This weekend I feel like I turned a corner or at least reached the top (or close to it) of what I'm gonna call 'the hump'. The post-love hump. I started naming it post-relationship hump, but I decided against that. It wasn't just a relationship. I was in love, and I still love him.

It feels as though the hurt has begun to sting a bit less. It's certainly not gone - I don't know that I'll ever accomplish that. For the last 8 weeks it's been awful - even unbearable at times (those of you who have gotten my random middle of the night blubbering emails know what I mean). The mere sound of his ring on my cell phone could make my heart drop, just like when we were first dating, but not in the same way - this time it made me nauseous. The sheer thought of talking to him made me so distraught and gave me butterflies - not cuz he repulses me, but because I still love him and he is no longer mine - actually I know he is already someone else's.

I know I've said I was 'in love' before, but let's be honest the 2 men that I thought were in that category, well one was just a piece of sh** that I quite frankly couldn’t shake (until I changed my number and never looked back), and the other was more of a fascination (at least that’s what it seems now). I guess I feel like this was the healthiest (NOT saying it was perfect) relationship I've ever been in that, I really am mourning the loss. The loss of waking up in the morning and next to someone, the loss of knowing someone is at home just waiting for you to give you a hug and cuddle, the loss of the hand-holding in the car and walking down the street - showing the world he was proud to be with me and most of all, the loss of knowing that no matter how stupid or ridiculous the reason I was crying that he would listen (and ALWAYS knew when something was wrong). It wasn’t that he would just listen, but that it hurt him to see me upset - and he would try to do whatever he could to make it better. I don’t have that anymore, and I won't ever have it exactly the same again - maybe close, maybe better, maybe not as good, but never, ever the same. Just knowing that someone is so much in love with you that it makes them sad to see you upset might be the best feeling in the world (at least that I've experienced).

Knowing that it’s gone, is in the top 3 of the worst feelings in the world.

Yes, things were difficult (what relationship isn’t) at times and it definitely got worse at the end, but the disappointment and frustration I had only clouded the love I still felt......it didn’t make it go away. It's all still there, I'm just trying not to be hooked on it; I'm trying not to be dependant or rely on it; at least not for now. I know that most of the people in my life can read me right close to a book, because you have been there - some forever, some for just a long time. It was one of the most amazing experiences to meet someone and for him to be able to read me like a book in such a short period of time. It was like he just 'got me'. And now, he no longer wants to.

I guess there are several things at play here:
1: That we were fortunate enough to meet when and where we did (especially given the state of mind I was in!) and had the time we did together.
2: For once, I should just take it as it is and remember it and not try to make it a bad thing (in order to get over it), because for the most part it wasn't.
3: That maybe love is exactly what it's cracked up to be, but that no one really can tell you what it's like or how it will feel and that even though you think you've felt it, u don’t know till u truly have. And even when you think it will last, it very well may not.
4: I should recognize that in my almost 27 years of life, I've experienced so much more than other people will never even touch the iceberg of. I've touched death, in it's truest form; I've experienced complete loss because someone whom you NEVER thought could leave you was gone, just like that; I've made numerous close friends from all over who have always supported me - and I wouldn’t have survived without them; I've seen people close to me forgive others for things I can't forgive them for - and wish I had the amazing strength to do what they've done; I have the most amazing bond with my sisters (that I can't imagine losing, nor can I imagine life without it); I've learned and experienced that true families don't see color, genetics or blood - they can always take in one more as their own; I have now been truly in love and felt its warmth (almost like the sun baking you on a hot beach, but this is from the inside out) - and I've felt the slash of it's knife.

I don't know that I am even sure what the heck my point was in this novel :), other than I do feel like things are different, in a better sense. Yes I am still hurting and I will for quite some time. I actually feel like my train is slowly pulling out of the station moving forward without any stops to take, just gonna take it all in on the scenic route.

How come....

I've always been the pessimist and seen the glass half empty. Always. But this year, I can't help but be proud and happy about what I've been able to accomplish. Nursing school, full time, through the summer....And working full time (although some from home yes). Who shouldn't be proud? So I've been optimistic (at least about this - somewhat)....Or maybe I've just been lucky. Yes I played a major role in making it all happen even when I thought I was going to loose my damn mind over the summer, yet somehow I made it through. It's now that I wonder if seven weeks from now I will really be able to take the test that gets me out of my program. Not because I don't think I can pass that test.....But because I bombed.......And when I say bombed.....I mean bombed the test I took Tuesday. Worse grade I've gotten in the entire program, and honestly might be worse than some of the ones I had at High Point. But I studied and I fell like it was more than I did for the first one! Numerous people in this program have said how do u work and pass these classes.....I guess it's finally catching up to me.

I now am faced with the task of passing the next 3 tests I have in this class with an 85 or higher in order to pass. That means pass with a C+, not a B- or a B, but a barely passing grade (for Marymount's nursing requirements). No extra credit is available, not even on the tests. Holy hell is all I have to say. If I get the C+, it will be the lowest grade I've gotten this entire program and it will pull my 3.0 down, but I'd be happy that I passed.

Dad, if there is ever a time I needed you, it's now. I know you weren't the medically proficient family member (or even close to it ;)), but damn I need some heavenly help.

It's scary to think that I've come this far and would have to repeat a class at the tune of about oh I don't know, a couple thousand dollars, but what's that on top of the 45K I already have in student loans........Anyway if I'm cranky or just out of sorts in the next numerous weeks (of course I mean more than normal), know its cause I could have potentially screwed myself into waiting another 4 months to start my career........ It's pretty scary to think I may not be where I thought I would in 2 months, cause damn if that doesn't screw my plan just a bit.

I guess since I'm not walking till next May it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but it would be nice to be done and out in the world all at the same time. Thanks for listening.

The question every woman asks at one point in their life.

Ok not really sure how to start this one. I have a lot on my mind and I know every woman has felt this way before. I'm gonna just jump right into it.....
Dating theses days is so hard. When do you know you've met the right person? I think know the answer to this question but as I get older it seems to get more and more complicated. Like my expectations are to high. Is that possible?? Am I being to picky? Is there really that "soulmate" out there. I believe their is. But is there only one ? If it didn't work out was that really your soulmate? I have truly loved one person in my life whom I believe was my "soulmate." It ended and my life took an unexpected turn for the best looking back now. I would never give up what changed my life. She is my "miracle." Recently I've looked back and wondered if he "was the one." And since dating is so hard to do these days whether it be I'm meeting the wrong people, don't trust enough or because I have someone else to think about since the next person will be a big part in her life and I want to make sure it's the right person. I know this blog is all over the place. But if you know me you will have no problem understanding what I am trying to say. Some people might be surprised reading this because coming from me they tend to think its easy for me to get dates ie: looks or personality or being outgoing. To those who think that let it be known dating is just as hard for me as it is for you. With all that being said, with out settling will the right one come along? Will I miss him? Have I missed him? Is there such thing as fate? Or am I being a dreamer?

Serious

As I was reading over the blog, which I have come to love.....I realized that we hit all the objectives in my explanation paragraph but one. We certainly have talked about fun, obnoxious, sincere and sarcastic...........But not once has anything on here been serious.

So I'll take the leap.

Have you ever wondered if everything you ever wanted was not what you really wanted? Is it what you deserve? Do you get there after hard work and determination, or was it what others wanted for you and helped you attain? Does it really make it YOUR accomplishment if someone else helped you get there? Does anyone in life truly accomplish anything without the help from others? I don't know, I guess sometimes I just wonder if our lives are OUR OWN or if they are a result of those we find around us (not necessarily a negative thing, just a thought).

Peace.

Bad Boys Bad Boys what ya gonna do.....

Ok I've seen it all. On my journey to work this morning as I merge in to the local lanes on 270 off of 28. For once the local lanes are not packed as I look over in the the main 4 lanes on 270 I see a huge back up (which you would know is normal if you drive this route everyday) As I look further up I notice open lanes. Open enough to land a plane. I figure an accident. Nope, no accident it was a stupid cop who walked out in the middle of 4 lanes and stopped everyone to pull one person over. Yes you read correctly a moron police office WALKED and stopped all 4 lanes of traffic to pull over a car that was all the way in the right lane to have the car come over to the far left lane. I have seen it all. The car prob got caught in the HOV lane and quickly tried to get into the farther lane to not get in trouble. HAHA! Who knows if that's what happened but what if someone hit that cop? Does that cop love his job that much he will risk his life to give a ticket? If so tell him to go to DC and catch all the drug dealers killing our children by selling drugs and guns. Thats my peice. I'm OUT!!!

Kids

I thought you all would enjoy the lil things that keep me going everyday. So here it goes. The other day Justice is telling me all the names of the kids in her class (which she does not refer to as friends yet but in due time she will) She is rambling names off than stops and says "there is one more name" (mind you this time she is thinking hard and has her finger pointing to her brain) and says "THINK BRAIN THINK ! I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS NAME. YOU HAVE IT ON THE TOP OF MY TONGUE" I had to use all my strength to not laugh out loud at the thought of her little brain working overtime and the fact that she had just said what could of possible been the funniest grown up thing in quite sometime. Then with a smile and great relief she says the name which I can't remember now cause I was too busy trying to not laugh at her. Well these little things make me realize that she is one of the reasons I live everyday and I will try my hardest to remember when it comes time to ground her for doing dumb stuff!! lol Enjoy my first Blog!

So gonna be my kid...... (at least she'd be ambitious!)

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals".The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, Sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

It's me again

I'm sure you knew it wouldn't be long before I wrote again, but this one will be short. As I was on my way home from school tonight, I got onto 495 from the GW Parkway for about the millionth time and noticed something I'd like to discuss (not sure y I haven't notice it before).

It was a highway sign. I know, you're probably thinking well it is a highway and they do put signs up to inform people. And I recognize that, I really do, and in fact I like signs, they help those stupid, stupid non-driving idiots out there a little bit (sorry I carry a little bit of road rage). Now back to this sign, It said something along the following "Prohibited on this highway are pedestrians, bikes, mopeds, ANIMALS, blah, blah, blah". Notice I lost my train of thought after ANIMALS. Excuse me, but how many ANIMALS do you know that read (considering half the PEOPLE on the road can't even read) ?? Personally I know NONE. And even if they do read, they sure don't listen (kinda like men hear but don't comprehend). I tried to rationalize this sign, and came up with these thoughts: maybe they don't want cops riding their horses on 495, nor anyone taking a horse and buggy ride, or walking their dog......... But for real, is anyone truly stupid enough to try that, and does a deer really care if the sign says they can't be on the road (that is of course, if they can read in the first place!)??

Enough for now, just had to get that out there.

Who'd a thunk?

Well, it was an ordinary Saturday (or so I thought), and lo and behold you can't imagine the crazy things I saw today. Well, of course it seems anytime Karen and I are together/near each other something totally crazy happens (which lends me to being a little hesitant about moving in together). We go to a local gas station to fill up her car and in the 10 or so minutes we are there we had several interesting experiences.

#1 was that upon entering the gas station to pay (it's cash only so u have to take it inside before pumping), I see an ATM. Not so out of the ordinary for a cash only gas station, but the 2 stickers that were on it are what caught my eye. The first said 'ATM has no cash after dark'........ Can this be for real (I think not)? Does someone come in everyday at dusk and take all the $ out and put it back at dawn? And for real, daytime or nighttime, if you can ONLY pay with cash, why does the machine care if the sun is up? Not to mention the ATM isn't owned by the store so they have no control over it. I'll let that one go - maybe its just to deter folks from taking out large sums of cash at night so they don't ask to get robbed.....Who knows. Now onto the second sticker, well it said 'ATM has a GPS locator' - and this literally made me LOL. R u kidding me? First of all, those things probably weigh 200-300 pounds, or somewhere near that, and second of all even if u are able to 'steal' it, u can never get into them! So this ATM company has the $ to put GPS in its machines, but we can't pay our public school teachers any more money for the HARD work they do? Absolutely absurd....And while I'm on that topic, why the hell don't school buses have seat belts, but airplanes do? U get in a plane accident and you're pretty much done, a bus u have a much better chance of survival, maybe one day in my spare time I can try and take this up with some form of government, but that's not right now.

At this point, I'm the 3rd person in line and have been in that line for a few minutes (as u can see I was looking around cause I was bored).....And this older man is at the front of the line. Counting out pennies, NOT for gas, but for pieces of candy! He would get 2 or 3 and recount his pennies then get 2 or 3 more.......After about 3 rounds of this, those of us in the line are shaking our heads and when he finally turns to leave the guy in front of me chuckles. I can only look away cause I really was like was that for real. To top it all off - how about he got into a really NICE car?? Pennies for candy, and u drive a nice car - something is surely wrong with that picture!

Finally I head outside and as Karen and I are talking while she is pumping the gas, all of a sudden we hear this loud radio but we can't figure out where its coming from. I truly felt like we were back in High Point on Main Street at about 830 pm - when everyone was out struttin their cars. We then realize its coming from a MOTORCYCLE! The bike really had 'speaker slits' built into it right around where the feet rest - and it was so loud I was in shock. To be honest until I saw the slits, I thought he was ghetto fabulous and had a boom box or something tied onto the bike! Now, I can understand wanting a nice bike (and this appeared quite nice), but what's the point of a radio on a motorcycle when u can't hear it at 80 MPH anyway?? O and just so u know, when I went back into get the change from Karen's 20, this guy was in front of me and got a whole 6 bucks worth of gas - no comment.

We went to a corn maze out in the boonies and it was quite fun. Although it was a little muddy, but not as bad as it could have been! In any case, Stephanie, Karen and I went back into the maze to find all the 'posts' while Nickee, Kristine and Justice rested their legs. As we are literally heading out the long portion to the end we hear all this racket in the tall corn stalks (its at this point when we can all hear 'Jeepers Creepers where'd you get those eyes' and have visions of 'Children of the Corn' in our heads)..... All of a sudden this dumb a** kid, I mean teenager, actually scratch that I mean KID - comes flying through the husks and just about ran into us. Well this little punk was out to scare someone, but it wasn't us - it was his friends who were about 25 feet behind us. Needless to say none of us were terribly happy, and I felt my BP go through the SKY when it happened! This might be the only time in my life where I have wished that I knew some sort of TAE KWON DO or Jujitsu (sp?) or something along those lines, cause it sure would have been nice to have laid that boy out right there in the middle of the corn field. What if I were a little kid or an older person with a truly serious heart condition?? It's sad that it bothered me this much, but I guess I'm getting older and I think about more health 'what ifs' cause of my nursing training. In any case, he's lucky I wasn't prepared cause don't think for one second I would have hesitated. That is the perfect environment for some psycho stalker/raper/whatever to attack women. I know that's a bit pessimistic, but its the truth.

I've rambled on enough for the night, but if u want a good laugh - go to the Applebees in Germantown and hope you get the waiter who is a cross between an umpa loompa and the alien with the big head and large body in MIB - including the voice. This guy had Trisha, Karen and I in hysterics last night, and he wasn't even waiting on us (it was the shear sound of him near us)! But if you hear his voice, I am certain it will make u laugh your butt off!!

I've found my new favorite quote.....

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
-Alexander Woolcott

Ain't it the damn truth!

I'll be honest

I wanted to start this blog thing out on a positive note.......Yet I was turned off right in the middle of set up. Do you know that where you select your 'industry' there was no option for MEDICAL???? Uhm hello, what kind of sense does that make? I mean for real...... Is the medical arena not considered a real industry? I know nursing has yet to be officially defined as a profession versus a career, but at least acknowledge there is a medical industry!

I think my favorite part of the list is that FASHION is listed as an industry, but not MEDICAL?? WTH?