I feel like I've fallen into a dark place. I can't seem to get out. I am facing so many things in life that I can't seem to control or even grasp a hold of. All the speed bumps we are suppose to overcome in life. I have faced some steep ones. Although I feel the ones I am up against right now are the highest ones by far. I'm struggling with not knowing what the right thing to do is. One wrong decision could make or break the relationship I have with my daughter in the future. I sit back and say she will love me for it later and no it will be much later in life when she truly understand why I had to do what is right for her. Had I know that this part of parenting was so hard I might of done it different. Then I think God gave her to me for a reason. Be it to straighten my life out and start a new one with Justice. I have more support from family and friends than anyone could ever ask for yet I still feel like I'm alone. Why? I am struggling to make myself believe I am a good mother when I know I am but notice I am constantely reassure myself as if I truly don't believe it. I have made so many mistake in life and know that's how we grow and become who we are. But have a huge fear in failing at being a mother. Its like if I fail at that there is no turning back. I have days where this subject is all I think about. I wake up and its on my mind all day until I evenually fall asleep. From time to time I dream about it. I just want to be "normal" so to speak and think, dream about Justice growing up having no problems and not have to hide how she feels because she thinks she is going to hurt someone's feelings. That my job as her mom. To take all her fears away. I have a hard time letting go of her because I don't want her to get hurt. That fear didn't come about until she started being more independent. I am starting to think that this is why people have children so close in age or have 3,5 or even 12 children in there family. So that they always feel like they are taking care of someone and never get that feeling of fear having to let go. I could be totally wrong. I just need to realize that she is a little girl who is going to be a woman like me and all the other woman in my life that I look up to. If I don't let go now it will get harder and more painful as she gets older for the both of us. (it will hurt me more than her I know this) Thanks for reading. I just had to get these things off my chest so that maybe it will not consume my thoughts for the day.
BTW. When Justice is 13/14 years old and hates her mother could someone please send me this via e-mail. Just I so that I remember at one point she was that little girl that loved me and I would do anything for.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Thoughts
I'm reading Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult, found a few things in this book that I think are worth sharing and pondering for all of us!
There are some dreams that get stuck between your teeth when you sleep, so that when you open your mouth to yawn awake they fly right out of you.
Which came first: the addict or the drug? You can't have an addiction unless there's something to crave; by the same token, a drug is nothing but a plant or a drunk or a powder until someone wants it badly. The truth is, the addict and the drug came together. And therein lies the problem.
Memory isn’t something that stays with you at all times. It's a quantity that gets summoned or evoked or brought to mind. It gets carried to an arena for our viewing pleasure. By definition, then, there are times it must go missing.
Marry a man who loves you more than you love him. When it’s the other way around, there isn’t a spell in the world that can even out the balance.
Love is not an equation. It's not a contract, and it's not a happy ending. It is the slate under the chalk and the ground buildings rise from and the oxygen in the air. It is the place I come back to, no matter where I've been headed.
Maybe fate isn't the pond you swim in but the fisherman floating on top of it, letting you run the line wild until you are weary enough to be reeled back in.
There are some dreams that get stuck between your teeth when you sleep, so that when you open your mouth to yawn awake they fly right out of you.
Which came first: the addict or the drug? You can't have an addiction unless there's something to crave; by the same token, a drug is nothing but a plant or a drunk or a powder until someone wants it badly. The truth is, the addict and the drug came together. And therein lies the problem.
Memory isn’t something that stays with you at all times. It's a quantity that gets summoned or evoked or brought to mind. It gets carried to an arena for our viewing pleasure. By definition, then, there are times it must go missing.
Marry a man who loves you more than you love him. When it’s the other way around, there isn’t a spell in the world that can even out the balance.
Love is not an equation. It's not a contract, and it's not a happy ending. It is the slate under the chalk and the ground buildings rise from and the oxygen in the air. It is the place I come back to, no matter where I've been headed.
Maybe fate isn't the pond you swim in but the fisherman floating on top of it, letting you run the line wild until you are weary enough to be reeled back in.
Bad blogger
Maybe that should be my new nickname? Anyway its been a while (but damn it........no one else writes anymore either, what's the deal).
I worked a week ago Sun-tues. Sunday was a piece of pie Mon and Tues tested me to no end..............Apparently I didn't have the stuff those two nights and was completely overwhelmed with a geriatric pt who had to be restrained, was hallucinating o and drugged more than a normal adult does in order ot have him under control. God was that a never ending battle with the doc. He's new and I'm not a big fan, but hell he probably doesn't like me neither, such is life. Tuesday was a nightmare. I walk in and get B zone, which I respectfullly refe to as the bitch or bastard zone, whichever you prefer cause its be guaranteed to be just that. The nurse I'm taking over for begins by giving me a shoulder massage and says "you're gonna need this". I wanted to run the other freaking way. Took over for a pt who is anorexic hasn't eaten in somewhere between a week and a MONTH, only ingested alcohol for that long. The pt arrived covered in feces, as a result of being on the floor in the house for who knows how long. Had multiple bed sores, all over......Some of which were actively bleeding. The other site is tubes coming out of every orifice possible, with the exception of the mouth, cause somehow the pt was breathing on their own. Catheter in place for urine - which was dark dark dark brown, an NG tube in the nose draining something, I'm willing to bet gastrointestinal bleeding, and a central line in the femoral artery for meds, blood, fluid etc. Way more tubes than I like dealing with. Specially since I've never worked with a central line before. O, and not to mention the pt was receiving packed Red Blood Cells fast as we could get them in because the values were so critical. I'm talking CCU (Critical Care patient)..........majorly. Now I've said it before and I'll say it again - CCU Nurse I am not, nor do I want to be. Its way to freaking stressful. So needless to say I have to be infusing blood (which partially involves vitals q5-q15 mins for the first part), and using a central line for IV fluids, blood transfusion, blood draws, med administration........Shall I go on? No, I wont cause I've just got to say it was a whole lot of new things for me all in one night. I'm all for learning more, but in stride, I don't like that kind of stress. O and down the hall from this I had the other schizophrenic patient who was literally full of shit - was manually disimpacted by the MD - with a pile of shit bigger than my head.......Or at least close to it. Now imagine the smells in my two rooms. Its a damn miracle I didn't vomit myself that night!!
After hell came 6 days at the beach with my little man and Kelly. We had a blast. Trisha even came down for the weekend and that was nice also. Nothing remarkable to discuss though.
I am on tonight for 6 12's in a row......Apparently I asked for that after requesting a week off to go to the beach! Anyway, I'm holding my breath that NONE of these 6 days is as bad as last weeks events. Cause I don't know for real if I can take anymore just yet!
I'll resurface next week sometime......Maybe if I'm alive that is!!
I worked a week ago Sun-tues. Sunday was a piece of pie Mon and Tues tested me to no end..............Apparently I didn't have the stuff those two nights and was completely overwhelmed with a geriatric pt who had to be restrained, was hallucinating o and drugged more than a normal adult does in order ot have him under control. God was that a never ending battle with the doc. He's new and I'm not a big fan, but hell he probably doesn't like me neither, such is life. Tuesday was a nightmare. I walk in and get B zone, which I respectfullly refe to as the bitch or bastard zone, whichever you prefer cause its be guaranteed to be just that. The nurse I'm taking over for begins by giving me a shoulder massage and says "you're gonna need this". I wanted to run the other freaking way. Took over for a pt who is anorexic hasn't eaten in somewhere between a week and a MONTH, only ingested alcohol for that long. The pt arrived covered in feces, as a result of being on the floor in the house for who knows how long. Had multiple bed sores, all over......Some of which were actively bleeding. The other site is tubes coming out of every orifice possible, with the exception of the mouth, cause somehow the pt was breathing on their own. Catheter in place for urine - which was dark dark dark brown, an NG tube in the nose draining something, I'm willing to bet gastrointestinal bleeding, and a central line in the femoral artery for meds, blood, fluid etc. Way more tubes than I like dealing with. Specially since I've never worked with a central line before. O, and not to mention the pt was receiving packed Red Blood Cells fast as we could get them in because the values were so critical. I'm talking CCU (Critical Care patient)..........majorly. Now I've said it before and I'll say it again - CCU Nurse I am not, nor do I want to be. Its way to freaking stressful. So needless to say I have to be infusing blood (which partially involves vitals q5-q15 mins for the first part), and using a central line for IV fluids, blood transfusion, blood draws, med administration........Shall I go on? No, I wont cause I've just got to say it was a whole lot of new things for me all in one night. I'm all for learning more, but in stride, I don't like that kind of stress. O and down the hall from this I had the other schizophrenic patient who was literally full of shit - was manually disimpacted by the MD - with a pile of shit bigger than my head.......Or at least close to it. Now imagine the smells in my two rooms. Its a damn miracle I didn't vomit myself that night!!
After hell came 6 days at the beach with my little man and Kelly. We had a blast. Trisha even came down for the weekend and that was nice also. Nothing remarkable to discuss though.
I am on tonight for 6 12's in a row......Apparently I asked for that after requesting a week off to go to the beach! Anyway, I'm holding my breath that NONE of these 6 days is as bad as last weeks events. Cause I don't know for real if I can take anymore just yet!
I'll resurface next week sometime......Maybe if I'm alive that is!!
Friday, August 04, 2006
Things I love (I was shooting for 10, don't know if I will get there)
1. The sound of little man saying 'Aunt Bethy, I want you to come stay for a hundred weekends!"
2. Being off work 6 days and 8 days in a row without having to take vacation - that 3 day work week can 'work' for me sometimes!
3. That I still love my job and not for one day regret busting my ass last year. Although its demanding and it whips my ass occasionally, I still love it.
4. When you are in the pool and it rains on you! What a cool feeling.
5. The thought of a new tattoo (with my sister!).
6. Being able to go to the beach and hang, o and eat the following all within a 3 day period: snow crab legs, blue crabs, shrimp and scallops all fresh caught except the king crab legs (I wasn't in Alaska).
7. That there are almost less than 100 days till AFRICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. That on my pay check two weeks ago I grossed OVER $3200 for weeks, and that's not all I coulda worked.
9. That I ALWAYS have $ in the bank now....Its spent only on things I choose to spend it on.
10. I dunno that I have awesome friends!
2. Being off work 6 days and 8 days in a row without having to take vacation - that 3 day work week can 'work' for me sometimes!
3. That I still love my job and not for one day regret busting my ass last year. Although its demanding and it whips my ass occasionally, I still love it.
4. When you are in the pool and it rains on you! What a cool feeling.
5. The thought of a new tattoo (with my sister!).
6. Being able to go to the beach and hang, o and eat the following all within a 3 day period: snow crab legs, blue crabs, shrimp and scallops all fresh caught except the king crab legs (I wasn't in Alaska).
7. That there are almost less than 100 days till AFRICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. That on my pay check two weeks ago I grossed OVER $3200 for weeks, and that's not all I coulda worked.
9. That I ALWAYS have $ in the bank now....Its spent only on things I choose to spend it on.
10. I dunno that I have awesome friends!
Catch up
hell I don't even know where to begin, apparently its been like 3 weeks since I've posted. That must be a sign. Well each week I typically pick up some extra time, its worth the money - although it does wreak hell on my social life..........Not like my friends aren't used to that! ;). Anyway, one night last week was insane I had two, not one but TWO critical care patients in the same damn night. That's a whole freaking lot...................May I repeat I AM NOT A CRITICAL CARE FLOOR NURSE for a reason, and I don't work in a trauma center for a reason, its too much on me. Damn that night I was STRESSED OUT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
anyway went to the beach for 5 days, it was nice and little man was a nutcase like usual. Came home and worked 4 in a row. ha done off worked 3 earlier this week and picked up last night extra. Damn..............I'm back to a workaholc except now I genuinely do work my ass off! Or at least give my feet a good run for their money. Anyway I'm off for 2 days on 3 and to the beach for a week I go! yippeee!!!!!!!! I may just have a tan by the end of the summer.
wedding this weekend, Kelly's here and of course little man, so will be 'ripping it up' like he would say.
nothing big from work that I can think of - seems like now so much seems 'usual' that none of it really gets me going - but I am surely still learning and will surely still see stuff that gets me going!!
ttfn
anyway went to the beach for 5 days, it was nice and little man was a nutcase like usual. Came home and worked 4 in a row. ha done off worked 3 earlier this week and picked up last night extra. Damn..............I'm back to a workaholc except now I genuinely do work my ass off! Or at least give my feet a good run for their money. Anyway I'm off for 2 days on 3 and to the beach for a week I go! yippeee!!!!!!!! I may just have a tan by the end of the summer.
wedding this weekend, Kelly's here and of course little man, so will be 'ripping it up' like he would say.
nothing big from work that I can think of - seems like now so much seems 'usual' that none of it really gets me going - but I am surely still learning and will surely still see stuff that gets me going!!
ttfn
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