Retired at 40

This past weekend I was in Florida with the majority of my family. My oldest brother retired from the Air Force at the age of 40 - after 22 years of service. Well actually he isn't technically retired until 4/1/07 because he has enough leave saved up. He is however at home and off work as of now.

My whole life (well except for 6 years of which I was too young to remember) he was always my big bro, who is in the Air Force. All over the country, and the world. I remember he had gotten a tattoo of an eagle - and as gross as this is - I kept the gauze off of the tattoo. It had his blood dried up on the gauze and I guess that made me feel like I was still close to him. I think I finally got rid of it, but God knows I have so much crap in storage it could resurface sometime. I remember in 6th grade, during the whole 1st round with Iraq, specifically Desert Shield/Storm operation. One of the other girls in my class and I would turn on the radio during lunch time or recess to hear what was going on. We both had brothers in the war and each day was scary. Although I'll be honest I don't think I really knew the possibilities then that I can fully recognize now. It was just a lower level of understanding. He also spent 2 years in Germany, where I never got to visit him either. He spent six years in Elkton, MD up near the Mason Dixon line. Which was awesome, that was the closest he had been since I can remember. And yes, visits were more frequent when he was closer. Sadly enough, while he was stationed in MD, was when we lost Dad. I made the phone call and I said you need to be here now and instead of him having to try and hop on a flight we were only looking at a 2-3 hr drive. It allowed him to be with the family when we needed him the most (maybe someone somewhere was looking out for us in that respect). Shortly after, he went back to Florida.

The ceremony was very nice. Fortunately it was casual for civilians (that meant I didn't have to dress up a whole lot), and the military personnel were there in there fatigues. There were lots of big wigs from his base present and some of them said some things about my brother. I never knew that my big brother had accomplished so much. The list went on and on. I'm emotional, we all know that, but hearing this list of things he had accomplished that I didn't know about made me sad. Watching my humble brother listen to all these things made me realize he must be so proud (although he probably wouldn't admit that). And that I needed to be also. And that I am. It also made me wonder what else I've missed in life - things that seem so important that I never knew about. Was that my ignorance, or just a lack of communication.

The flag folding portion was emotional for me. I couldn't help but think of how lucky we were to have Tony there. Because there are so many families who don't see a flag-folding at a retirement, but at their loved one's funeral. That is something I'd always feared.

During Tony's speech he gave the military personnel that attended a 'pep' talk of sorts. You could tell he was a natural on stage - and obviously in his position as a recruiter it paid off knowing all of his accomplishments. Just as he was about to say he had nothing else to say, he said actually I'm not. He got all teary eyed and said "There is one person who is not here today, and that is my father. He died about 10 years ago, but I know he is here in spirit". The whole time he was choking trying to get out each word, but he did. And as humble as he is, I know it was hard to break down like that in front of his peers, especially military ones! This of course, made me bawl even harder.

I can't help but wonder if the military kept him from our 'family' time. From the time we had with Dad. And I know it was his choice to enlist, but I wonder if he knew these were some of the possible consequences. I just hope that now he is able to make up for lost time. With his family in Florida and with us further up the coast. I hope his retirement changes his life dramatically, and ours - with his presence more abundant. I just hope its all he imagined it would be.

Grey's Quotes, well some of them that is!

This is my attempt to recap the last however many episodes it is that I haven't quoted of Grey's! From oldest to newest I guess. That way you dont have to read bottom up! And this will be a LOOOOONNNGGG post, sorry. I'll get the rest of the season up o some time before the next season starts! Haha.

9/28
Yang: Just because u cant touch doesn’t mean u cant enjoy
Burke: Momma, daddy?
Burke’s Mom: Preston? Is this a new service that the hospital is providing?

She-Shephard: I need a day off
The Chief: A day off for what
She-Shephard: I need a day for drinking, I feel like I need to do some drinking ……………………I think God knows that I need to do a little drinking today

Bailey: Can u tell me who’s damn panties are on the bulletin board. This is a hospital, we do serious things like save peoples lives here. I know its one of you, its always one of mine. So tell me which one of u left your damn drawers on my damn surgical floor???

Grey: You’re married and you said things to me.
McDreamy: Yes im married and I said things to you.
Grey: Normally I would like the things you said to me. Normally I would even think the billetin board thing funny. This makes me a homewrecker.
McDreamy: Just for your information my home was wrecked long before u came into the picture.

Yang: Your mother wants to have coffee with me.
Burke: And?
Yang: She thinks I’m a stripper and a racist. You will save me from this, or I will……

Callie: R u trying to seduce me?

George: I was just wondering about panties, panties that are yours and how they ended up on the bulletin board. I’m just wondering how I’ve seen your panties for several days in a row now, and I’ve never seen panties like that before how they ended up on the board. I mean do u have a separate set of panties that I don’t get to see?

Burke’s mom: As you know I’m sure, he graduated first in his class
Yang: Actually I did know that
Burke’s Mom: So u are planning to pursue a less time consuming specialty? Obstetrics perhaps or family medicine? But, after your married. I wouldn’t know a woman who wouldn’t want to marry my Preston, he’s intelligent, he’s good looking, he’s the best thing I’ve ever done. ………….Christina, listen to me. Its not that I don’t like u I think u are a very smart attractive woman. But you are selfish, and my son is giving. And the combination is not going to last much longer.

Grey: I miss dirty stripper Christina, she was more fun and a lot less angry.
Yang: I miss philandering whore Meredith. She was trashy.
George: Do women have 2 separate sets of panties? You know 2 sets they wear for different occasions?

She-Shepherd: Dr. Stevens
Izzie: Please don’t call me Dr.Stevens
She-Shepherd: Please don’t call me Mrs. Shepherd, ha, ha that’s funny
Izzie: She’s drunk
Bartender: this is true
She-Shepherd: Did u know about the slutty sex your slutty friend had with my super slutty husband?
Izzie: U should have a muffin, they are really good and they’ll help you
She-Shepherd: I may be beyond help

Meredith (to George): U could keep using the darts as weapons or you could go get lucky with the sexy hot dirty girl
Yang: Where is he going?
Meredith: To get laid.
Yang: God you know there is something wrong with the world when Bambi is getting laid and I cant even get 5 minutes alone with Burke.

(Grey’s monologue) After the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment has passed; We can cool off and clean up the messes we’ve made. We can try to let go of what was.

10/5
Ok, lets start with the fact that I sure as hell wouldn’t mind Meredith’s fantasy myself(u know the both men in bed with her)!! NO complaints

Grey: Most of our fantasies dissolve when we awake banished to the back of our minds but sometimes we are sure if we try hard enough we can LIVE the dream.

McSteamy: You know I don’t have to leave today, I could change my flight.
She-Shepherd: No, no u can’t because I’m sober now and there’s work to do and planes to be caught. Thank you truly Mark, for all the sex. I really, I feel much better now. I do and now I have to go and so do u.

Yang: You had a dream about both of them?
Grey: A threesome
Yang: Nice, just when I think u are boring, u rise
Grey: I’m dating, and it comes with snacks
Yang: Uhm she’s dating everyone with a pulse; She’s playing the fired and I’ve got a wife!

She-Shepherd: Just because what I made, what can only be called a trans-continental booty call, it doesn’t mean you need to make something out of it.

Karev: Here we go………….huh………takes it like a man and walks away.
Yang: He’s coming back, o yes he is give me my money

Callie: It is all warp speed with you……I’m not ready for us to move in together and if u weren’t a toddler and u could use your words then maybe u could have said that the first four times I asked you. And then I could have said cause I’m not either. I’ll be out in a week. George save it I’ll be out in and hour.

She-Shepherd (to Grey): Your face shows up in my head. Your panties show up in my husband’s pocket and really I need a moment with out u.

Karev: Everybody wants a life with out pain. She needs to be on a poster somewhere to remind people pain is there for a reason.

Grey (to McDreamy and McVet): Enough, this is not dating. I want moonlight and flowers and candy and people trying to feel me up. No one is trying to feel me up. Nobody is even looking at me. I’m an intern do the two of u have any idea what it takes to look like this. I’m waxed and plucked and have a clean top on and the two of u are looking at each other. ……………..I want heat, I want romance, damn it I want to feel like a lady.

Grey’s monologue: The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good. And twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad and no pain is better. But the reality is different, the nreality is that pain is there to tell us something. And there sis only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomachache. And maybe that’s ok. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

Karev: Does it hurt?
Izzie: Yeah.
Karev: Where does it hurt?
Izzie: Everywhere.
Karev: Maybe it hurts for a reason.

10/12 Quotes
Yang: It’s bad enough that Meredith is dating a Vet, I’m not dating a chicken surgeon.

George: Is that?
Yang: McSteamy

McDreamy(to Meredith): You don’t look fine, you look beautiful but you don’t look fine.
Yang: I think I’m gonna throw up.
She-Shepherd: O this is perfect. An adulterous love child.
McDreamy: Goes right along with a adulterous sociopath

Yang: You haven’t had sex with the vet yet? You’ve got to get out of that relationship this minute. Aww a little McBaby.

Yang: He’s perfect, He’s Burke.

Denny’s Dad: Dr Steven’s?
Izzie: Mr. Duquette
Denny’s Dad: Please, call me Denny. Dr Weber said that if I wanted to hear the whole thing, I should ask you. So Izzie, please tell me the whole thing………………………………………..
Izzie: The transplant went so much better than expected.
Denny’s Dad: You aren’t answering my questions. I don’t give a damn about the medicine. I know what killed my son, he had a bad heart. He had a bad heart for a long time. I get that. What I don’t get is how a girl like you goes from being my son’s doctor to being his fiancé on the very day he’s supposed to get a new heart. What I don’t get is how you got him to propose to you on the very day before he died.
Izzie: I was working 80 hrs a week and I was still there. You may not get me, but you don’t have to because I don’t get you either.
Denny’s Dad: Is that what he told you? That his mother and I abandoned him? We he didn’t tell you the truth. It was Dr. after Dr. Everybody had an opinion. One day we came home and found a note that said he didn’t want us to watch him die. So he left.
Izzie: I had no idea. Believe me if I had known, I would never have let him get away with that. Denny’s Dad: And I believe that.
Izzie: What is this?
Denny’s Dad: It’s for you, from Denny.

Callie: I still have some secrets O’Malley. And if you come and see me tonight I might show you one or two of them.

Bailey (to She-Shepherd): You can remember that NO MAN, not Derek, not Mark, defines who you are.

McDreamy (to McVet): So how’s life in the animal kingdom?
Grey: Now all my boys are here. They are all so handsome, and all such good kissers. It wasn’t a date, so much as a disasterously uncomfortable sexual experience.
George: O I can’t ……

McSteamy: If what happened between me and Addison is so unforgivable. How do you justify what happened between you and Meredith.
McDreamy: What the hell are you talking about?
McSteamy: Look if you want me to be the bad guy that’s fine, but I’m not the only bad guy here Derek. You and me, we are the same.

Grey: Are you ok?
She-Shepherd: Fine. How are you?
Grey: I’m trying to choose between two men.
She-Shepherd: O, ok good luck with that
Grey: How did you know Derek was the one
She-Shepherd: Excuse me?
Grey: I know you hate me and everything and you don’t owe me anything. No-thing. I want Derek to be the one, but I would know right?
She-Shepherd: You don’t. I didn’t know. Its just Derek’s the kind of guy that I knew wouldn’t hurt me. Not on purpose anyway. I should have stepped aside should have been a better person Grey: How come we never talked like this before?
She-Shepherd: The only reason we are talking like this now is before I know you wont remember a thing once the drugs wear off.
McDreamy: Were you just talking to her?
She-Shepherd: Yes
McDreamy: What?
She-Shepherd: Don’t hurt her again.

McSteamy: How’s my favorite dirty mistress?
Grey: Haven’t you heard now, I’m a adulterous whore.

McDreamy to Grey: You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. Who won’t complicate your life, someone who won’t hurt you. He’s that guy, he’s the right guy Meredith. I’m walking away.

Notes and stuff from work....

Had two women in one night the week before I left for Africa, both with bi-lateral mastectomies. The one woman who was in her 80's had her surgery the year before I was born. She had two 5 inch lines almost diagonal across the area where your breasts should be. That's how they did it then. And she had me hysterical because as I was placing her clothes in a bag for her to go to her room, she said "Don't loose my boobs, they are in that pile". I just started laughing and said, I got them, they are safely in the bag! She was very nice and not nearly as sick as the other lady. The second women was not even 40, she had reconstructive surgery so not only did she have her breasts removed, she had a huge scar across her whole abdomen about bikini line where they went in and took the muscle and some tissue for the reconstruction. She was also still undergoing chemo and barely strong enough to lift her bottom to get on the bed pan. She didn't have nipples as they were removed and will be tattooed on at another stage in the reconstructive process. Two very different surgeries, two very different people..... With one common connection. Something most everyone knows is close to my heart. I was very very touched by the younger lady, she just said to me 'I'd like to go into a deep sleep and wake in January when my treatments are all over'. I can see why. I can also see why people give up. She wasn't and although the cancer and it's treatments were taking a toll on her and she had every rite to be a nasty woman (mad at the world) she wasn't she simply wanted someone to help her feel better. And that was me. And all I can hope is that the little bit of help, comfort and attention I was able to give her was just another little bit to help her keep going. She is someone I won't forget.

Haven't had any other super good stories in a while, but give me time I am sure I WILL!

The funny thing about kids is

(I wrote this before I left for Africa but forgot to post it damn it!)
They can do the craziest things. Including pulling off a cast which is exactly what little man did on my trip down to NC for Halloween. In the mean time, here is a picture of us at his school for his Halloween party (with his NEW cast on)

And a picture of us when we got dressed up for Trick-or-Treating. He was a fireman, I of course....Was a nurse!! And we both had to have glow necklaces on.
Last month must have been my love from the nieces and nephews month cause little man said "I want to move to MD so I can see my Aunt Bethy all the time".

Kayla managed to write a little story about me as 'Who my favorite relative is".

Where to start

uhm, there will be SEVERAL posts in the next few days as I recount the last 6 weeks of my life......Considering if most of you hadn't talked to or seen me you'd probably think I was dead!

In any case, I apologize I've just been busy as hell. I need to reference the Palm pilot to see exactly what I've been doing. And to top it all off............Tuesday mom and I leave for AFRICA.......So the next few days are gonna be crazy too! I'll do my best and that's that!

Grey's Season Premiere Quotes

Oh, it was a good one! I've got it Tivo'ed if you missed it.....or of course if you want to watch it again. Cause I think I've watched it 3 times (once when it premiered, once for quotes and then a 3rd time with Karen!). Can't wait to see what comes of this week ;)

Yang: O what did u do?
Grey: Denny died; Burke got shot; Lets just have some perspective and remember what I did is a tiny, slightly small
Yang: Whatever spit it out!
Grey: I lost my panties …………………………………………………………………………..
Yang: U had sex with Derek in an exam room, at the prom
Grey: Yes
Yang: Last night u and Shepherd did it
Grey: Yes
Yang: You and McDreamy did the nasty-nasty
Grey: Christina….
Yang: I’m not judging just trying to wrap my mind around it
…….. So he just stands there all McGuilty and everything and all he can say is what does this mean?

McDreamy: It never gets easier, you know losing a patient. It gets a little less shocking, but never any easier. (I’d have to agree)


Callie: Relax I’m not going to bring it up, u and McDreamy and the sex thing

Callie: I’m that girl in the back of the class who eats her hair. This is high school with scalpels Finn. (This might have been one of the funniest lines on this show!)

Izzie: I feel like I’m moving in slow motion. Like I’m moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just want to go back to when things where normal. When I wasn’t poor Izzie lying on the bathroom floor in her dirty prom dress with a dead fiancé. Everyone around is waiting for something to happen for me to say something or do something or flip out. I don’t know if I can be this person, I don’t know who this person is. How did this happen, how did we end up here. Why am I alone? Where is Denny?

George: I don’t think she’s ever going to be the same
McDreamy: There are moments O’Malley, moments where a split second changes your life and before you know it u are someone else …………………………. A split second.

She-Shepherd: Something happens and u panic. U freeze and u wanna hide it and pretend like it didn’t happen. I get that.
Karev: U get that?
She-Shepherd: I do. I just don’t get what happens after how u just go back to class like everything is fine and it’s not fine.

George to McDreamy: U are an ass

George: Callie told me she loved me and I wasn’t ready. I just sat there and didn’t say it back.
George to McDreamy (about Meredith): U ever tell hr that u love her?
McDreamy: No
George: I did, but I’m with Callie and its different but…..
McDreamy: U should tell her. Even if its soonish u should tell her before its too late.
George: U mean before I die of the plague?
McDreamy: Or someone else comes along

Finn: We never said we were exclusive
Grey: But u have plans
Finn to Grey: I know u think u are scary and damaged, dark and twisty, it makes u feel like u don’t deserve good things. But u do, and Derek, he’s bad for u. But me, I’m a good thing. If there is a race, if there is a ring, my hat is in.

Karev to She-Shepherd: You can get over a bad child hood I mean u can have the worst crap in the world happen to u but u can get over it. All u have to do is survive

Grey to McDreamy: So what does this mean?
McDreamy: It means u have a choice a choice to make, and I don’t want to rush u into making a decision before u are ready. This morning I was going to come over, and uh what I wanted to say was….….but now all I can say is: I’m in love with u. I’ve been in love with u forever. I’m a little late I know, I’m a little late in telling u that. I just want u to take your time. Take all the time u need. Because u have a choice to make and when I had a choice to make I chose wrong.

Grey’s ending monologue:
Time flies.
Time waits for no man.
Time heals all wounds.
All any of us wants is more time.
Time to stand up,
Time to grow up,
Time to let go. Time.

Side-bar notes:
* Damn we got real emotion out of Yang; maybe her hard core shell is broken
* I personally enjoyed seeing Addison grovel in the flash back. The dumb bitch deserved it for cheating on her hot, rich, awesome husband. I don’t put up with cheaters….never have, never will.
* I’m thinking Karev and She-Shepherd will be hooking up this season, just got a hunch.

Beach pics from Labor Day

(These are backwards in order, but I don't feel like reloading them to fix it!)Yes, we were some crazy people heading to the beach when there was a freakin Tropical Storm on its way (actually had arrived before us). But anyway, here's some crazy pics. First one, take note of the amount of SAND up under the bench - they had bulldozers scraping the sand off the OC Boardwalk when we were there Sat night. It was amazing how much sand had blown/washed in from the storm!
This 2 pics are of us up on the Bethany Boardwalk Friday night during Ernesto. I felt like one of those reporters that says 'live from blah blah blah where Tropical Storm Ernesto has landed'. We were really being blown down the board walk. We also received a natural exfoliation from the sand/salt water that stung our faces. If u look close, it looks like snowflakes maybe, but its actually seafoam flying all over the place! It was crazy, but fun.

The surf pics, if u look closely are SURFERS - up at the bridge between Bethany & Rehobeth. At first glance we didn't know what in the world all the black dots in the water were. The closer we got the more we realized they are surfers! It was amazing to see that amount of surfers in one place, simply because they don't get those kind of waves much. But it was a cool sight.




























These 2 pics are of us up on the Bethany Boardwalk Friday night during Ernesto. I felt like one of those reporters that says 'live from blah blah blah where Tropical Storm Ernesto has landed'. We were really being blown down the board walk. We also received a natural exfoliation from the sand/salt water that stung our faces. If u look close, it looks like snowflakes maybe, but its actually seafoam flying all over the place! It was crazy, but fun.

Week in review

OK not the real week, but my 'workweek'. Saw awesome things this week!! Monday was crazy busy and the hospital was at critical occupancy (a.k.a. super full), so it was a little miserable I had boarder patients and I don like that. I'm not a floor nurse for a reason. We fix em up and ship em out, I like it that way................

CCU pt #1
Had a pt come in with a heart rate (not atrial rate, but ventricular rate - the main, larger portion of your heart!) in the 230's (TWOHUNDREDTHIRTYS)! I'll insert pics ASAP............And then I got to stop his heart (using a certain medication) .....................See other picture. And the vwalah, it starts back up in the normal rate range, but in a funky rhythm. Point being, it was awesome to see it happen. The pt became symptomatic was saying 'I don't feel so good, I think I'm going to pass out' and then his eyes kinda rolled closed......And 45 seconds later the pt was looking at us saying ' I don't feel like my hearts gonna fly out of my chest anymore'. Well that's cause it wasn't. Man it was a rush! The pt was then started on a medication drip that should prevent any relapse into a rhythm like he had before.

CU pt#2
pt came in found unresponsive, unknown downtime, oxygen sats in the low 80's, and needed to be intubated as EMS was unable to do it in the field. BP was like 180/100.......pt was intubated and once some oxygen started getting in the pts system, became more alert. Mind u there was a tube down her windpipe making her breathe. So this poor person was wide awake, wrist restraints in place (to prevent removal of the breathing tube by the pt), and was trying to talk - which of course doesn't work so well. Needless to say I began a drip of a sedating drug. Once I barely got the pt under the BP went to hell in a handbasket, which this med can do, but she was on the lowest dose..........her BP got down to 60/44 and I had to stop the med for a while, get the pressure back up, which of course allowed the pt to become more alert...And start bucking the vent and moving around. It was horrible totally between a rock and a hard place. Bottom line is after I left at 7am the pt ended up being flown out, as it turned out she was having an acute mi, which may have been what caused the fall/unresponsiveness in the first place. her ekg did indicate a possibly mi, but the blood tests confirmed it. Cardiac enzymes were WAY HIGH. Out to St. Joes for a cardiac cath.....

CCU #1 didn't stress me as he was fairly stable since we stopped the heart and place him on the other med. CCU#2 stressed me OUT............she just wasn't stable for nothing and I had 2 other pts and it was not easy handling all that since I couldn't really leave the room

last night, got a drunk unresponsive even to painful stimuli/sternal rub. And we intubated, however this pt was breathing on his own, we just had his airway protected so he wouldn't aspirate considering he was vomiting all over the place - chunky and scented. It was the closest I've come thus far to blowing chunks @ work myself. I've seen and handled a lot, but this was awful. I had to walk away while holding my breath in order to not loose my cookies! He was also placed on a sedative, which was EIGHT times the dose the pt above was placed on. And somehow his BP held steady. When we stopped the med, he came out within a few minutes and was trying to break out of the restraints to pull the tube out of his mouth. I had to get in his face and yell at him in order to get him to listen to us about relaxing and that we would take the tube out in a few minutes. Finally, he relaxed and did what we told him.

Working 12's on mon-tues, 8 hrs weds, and then 12's sat-tues. 10 year high school reunion and Tera & Mike's wedding weekend after this one! Holy freaking cow the time has flown, and I only have 1/2 outfits for the wedding and rehearsal........crap better get a move on that!

Damn, its been a long time.

Lets see if I can recap the last several weeks.

Pulled my second of six in a row this last weekend. Somehow I managed to forget about commenting on the first 6 in a row. It wasn't all that bad, just took me FOREVER to get back into a normal schedule - basically until I had to go back to work so that wasn't so good. O and the other thing the very last night I worked in that run I got D zone, with 2 trauma rooms and 2 other rooms. One of the trauma rooms is the one we always keep blocked so that no matter how busy we are, if a cardiac arrest comes in we have the space for it. Well guess what.......Of course it happened. Actually it wasn't just one, IT WAS THREE.......In one damn night, and a drug overdose! Damn I was like r u kidding me?? I only managed to make out with the Overdose and 2 of the arrests, the other one went to another zone cause my charge nurse said 'you've out done yourself tonight' and decided I didn't really need a third one! Worked my tail off that night and damn sure figured out what to do with an arrest patient - all the paperwork, etc. The crazy thing is sometimes we don't even get one a week, but that was a very very abnormal week! There were 7 in 3 days, I think the population of the county went down by a whole bunch!

Went to the beach over labor day weekend, that was fun, went with mom, nickee and karen. We got blown away by Ernesto - even went up on the boardwalk Friday night and got a natural exfoliation from the sand and surf - wait till I post the pictures, u wil laugh your ass off! I felt like one of those stupid reports saying 'we're live on the scene of Miami, FL where hurricane so and so is about to hit shore'. I'm talking we really were getting blown away - it was cool!!!!!!!!! Did a little shopping, ate a BUNCH of junk food....And all around had a nice quiet weekend.

This last 6 days was ok with the exception of Sunday. It was literally what I hope is the worst night I have. Not because I had high acuity (really sick) patients, but because we were short staffed all the way around - from nurses to doctors to techs. It was plum ugly. The 2nd in line of the Ed even came in at 3 am, that should tell u something. Like how often is your VP of the company going to come in if you are just so busy?? Exactly. Monday morning we were LITERALLY running out the damn door, we clocked out and rolled out. Couldn't stand it any more. The last two nights were nice, and I went in for 2 hours Weds night as well - figured I'd be up and might as well make the money.

Africa is getting closer trying to make sure we have all we need. Have to get some of my vaccinations next week.....Or wait maybe the week afterwards. How do I know this, because next week IS THE SEASON PREMIERE OF GREY'S ANATOMY AND ER. Damn its gonna be a good night and I'm off, so I don't even have to watch it off Tivo. Although I may just to be able to forward through the commercials. Man I'm freaking excited!!!!!! I sure hope they start turning Karev into a nice guy cause he's too hot to be an asshole.

This weekend its off to the beach for a bachelorette party. Humm, lets things about that for a minute, where did I end up last time I went to the beach for a bachelorette party?? Hahahahaha, o that's right.........In a relationship that didn't last. Note to self, don't meet any men at Seacrets, cause you know what's gonna happen. I'm going to have a good time this weekend, and come out with my head still on straight (and heart intact)!

Working a few days next week, may pick up a few more hours, it all depends. I need to make a trip to NC soon, and not the beach side - towards the mountains. I haven't been to High Point in almost a year...................That's horrible.

It's 115am, gonna try and hit the hay - will upload some photos later.

P.S. Hahahahahahahahahahha, karma baby karma (and that's all I'm going to say!).

Not sure really.....

I feel like I've fallen into a dark place. I can't seem to get out. I am facing so many things in life that I can't seem to control or even grasp a hold of. All the speed bumps we are suppose to overcome in life. I have faced some steep ones. Although I feel the ones I am up against right now are the highest ones by far. I'm struggling with not knowing what the right thing to do is. One wrong decision could make or break the relationship I have with my daughter in the future. I sit back and say she will love me for it later and no it will be much later in life when she truly understand why I had to do what is right for her. Had I know that this part of parenting was so hard I might of done it different. Then I think God gave her to me for a reason. Be it to straighten my life out and start a new one with Justice. I have more support from family and friends than anyone could ever ask for yet I still feel like I'm alone. Why? I am struggling to make myself believe I am a good mother when I know I am but notice I am constantely reassure myself as if I truly don't believe it. I have made so many mistake in life and know that's how we grow and become who we are. But have a huge fear in failing at being a mother. Its like if I fail at that there is no turning back. I have days where this subject is all I think about. I wake up and its on my mind all day until I evenually fall asleep. From time to time I dream about it. I just want to be "normal" so to speak and think, dream about Justice growing up having no problems and not have to hide how she feels because she thinks she is going to hurt someone's feelings. That my job as her mom. To take all her fears away. I have a hard time letting go of her because I don't want her to get hurt. That fear didn't come about until she started being more independent. I am starting to think that this is why people have children so close in age or have 3,5 or even 12 children in there family. So that they always feel like they are taking care of someone and never get that feeling of fear having to let go. I could be totally wrong. I just need to realize that she is a little girl who is going to be a woman like me and all the other woman in my life that I look up to. If I don't let go now it will get harder and more painful as she gets older for the both of us. (it will hurt me more than her I know this) Thanks for reading. I just had to get these things off my chest so that maybe it will not consume my thoughts for the day.
BTW. When Justice is 13/14 years old and hates her mother could someone please send me this via e-mail. Just I so that I remember at one point she was that little girl that loved me and I would do anything for.

Thoughts

I'm reading Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult, found a few things in this book that I think are worth sharing and pondering for all of us!

There are some dreams that get stuck between your teeth when you sleep, so that when you open your mouth to yawn awake they fly right out of you.

Which came first: the addict or the drug? You can't have an addiction unless there's something to crave; by the same token, a drug is nothing but a plant or a drunk or a powder until someone wants it badly. The truth is, the addict and the drug came together. And therein lies the problem.

Memory isn’t something that stays with you at all times. It's a quantity that gets summoned or evoked or brought to mind. It gets carried to an arena for our viewing pleasure. By definition, then, there are times it must go missing.

Marry a man who loves you more than you love him. When it’s the other way around, there isn’t a spell in the world that can even out the balance.

Love is not an equation. It's not a contract, and it's not a happy ending. It is the slate under the chalk and the ground buildings rise from and the oxygen in the air. It is the place I come back to, no matter where I've been headed.

Maybe fate isn't the pond you swim in but the fisherman floating on top of it, letting you run the line wild until you are weary enough to be reeled back in.

Bad blogger

Maybe that should be my new nickname? Anyway its been a while (but damn it........no one else writes anymore either, what's the deal).

I worked a week ago Sun-tues. Sunday was a piece of pie Mon and Tues tested me to no end..............Apparently I didn't have the stuff those two nights and was completely overwhelmed with a geriatric pt who had to be restrained, was hallucinating o and drugged more than a normal adult does in order ot have him under control. God was that a never ending battle with the doc. He's new and I'm not a big fan, but hell he probably doesn't like me neither, such is life. Tuesday was a nightmare. I walk in and get B zone, which I respectfullly refe to as the bitch or bastard zone, whichever you prefer cause its be guaranteed to be just that. The nurse I'm taking over for begins by giving me a shoulder massage and says "you're gonna need this". I wanted to run the other freaking way. Took over for a pt who is anorexic hasn't eaten in somewhere between a week and a MONTH, only ingested alcohol for that long. The pt arrived covered in feces, as a result of being on the floor in the house for who knows how long. Had multiple bed sores, all over......Some of which were actively bleeding. The other site is tubes coming out of every orifice possible, with the exception of the mouth, cause somehow the pt was breathing on their own. Catheter in place for urine - which was dark dark dark brown, an NG tube in the nose draining something, I'm willing to bet gastrointestinal bleeding, and a central line in the femoral artery for meds, blood, fluid etc. Way more tubes than I like dealing with. Specially since I've never worked with a central line before. O, and not to mention the pt was receiving packed Red Blood Cells fast as we could get them in because the values were so critical. I'm talking CCU (Critical Care patient)..........majorly. Now I've said it before and I'll say it again - CCU Nurse I am not, nor do I want to be. Its way to freaking stressful. So needless to say I have to be infusing blood (which partially involves vitals q5-q15 mins for the first part), and using a central line for IV fluids, blood transfusion, blood draws, med administration........Shall I go on? No, I wont cause I've just got to say it was a whole lot of new things for me all in one night. I'm all for learning more, but in stride, I don't like that kind of stress. O and down the hall from this I had the other schizophrenic patient who was literally full of shit - was manually disimpacted by the MD - with a pile of shit bigger than my head.......Or at least close to it. Now imagine the smells in my two rooms. Its a damn miracle I didn't vomit myself that night!!

After hell came 6 days at the beach with my little man and Kelly. We had a blast. Trisha even came down for the weekend and that was nice also. Nothing remarkable to discuss though.

I am on tonight for 6 12's in a row......Apparently I asked for that after requesting a week off to go to the beach! Anyway, I'm holding my breath that NONE of these 6 days is as bad as last weeks events. Cause I don't know for real if I can take anymore just yet!

I'll resurface next week sometime......Maybe if I'm alive that is!!

Things I love (I was shooting for 10, don't know if I will get there)

1. The sound of little man saying 'Aunt Bethy, I want you to come stay for a hundred weekends!"
2. Being off work 6 days and 8 days in a row without having to take vacation - that 3 day work week can 'work' for me sometimes!
3. That I still love my job and not for one day regret busting my ass last year. Although its demanding and it whips my ass occasionally, I still love it.
4. When you are in the pool and it rains on you! What a cool feeling.
5. The thought of a new tattoo (with my sister!).
6. Being able to go to the beach and hang, o and eat the following all within a 3 day period: snow crab legs, blue crabs, shrimp and scallops all fresh caught except the king crab legs (I wasn't in Alaska).
7. That there are almost less than 100 days till AFRICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. That on my pay check two weeks ago I grossed OVER $3200 for weeks, and that's not all I coulda worked.
9. That I ALWAYS have $ in the bank now....Its spent only on things I choose to spend it on.
10. I dunno that I have awesome friends!

Catch up

hell I don't even know where to begin, apparently its been like 3 weeks since I've posted. That must be a sign. Well each week I typically pick up some extra time, its worth the money - although it does wreak hell on my social life..........Not like my friends aren't used to that! ;). Anyway, one night last week was insane I had two, not one but TWO critical care patients in the same damn night. That's a whole freaking lot...................May I repeat I AM NOT A CRITICAL CARE FLOOR NURSE for a reason, and I don't work in a trauma center for a reason, its too much on me. Damn that night I was STRESSED OUT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

anyway went to the beach for 5 days, it was nice and little man was a nutcase like usual. Came home and worked 4 in a row. ha done off worked 3 earlier this week and picked up last night extra. Damn..............I'm back to a workaholc except now I genuinely do work my ass off! Or at least give my feet a good run for their money. Anyway I'm off for 2 days on 3 and to the beach for a week I go! yippeee!!!!!!!! I may just have a tan by the end of the summer.

wedding this weekend, Kelly's here and of course little man, so will be 'ripping it up' like he would say.

nothing big from work that I can think of - seems like now so much seems 'usual' that none of it really gets me going - but I am surely still learning and will surely still see stuff that gets me going!!

ttfn

If a man wants you............(good food for thought)

IF A MAN WANTS YOU

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Only In................

FREDERICK
*Can you see a pick up truck that said in BIG BOLD WHITE LETTERS across the back window: "GET HER DRUNK --- GIT HER DONE"

*- Can you go to PetSmart, see a lady walking in the parking lot with what you think is this:
Only to get closer and realize she is walking THIS:

LAYTONSVILLE

* Can you see a sign that says:

FOR SALE! (And for those who cant quite figure out what that picture is, its a damn Peacock!) I almost called just to see how much they are selling for.......And what the hell someone would want one for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update

Well 4 in a row actually turned into 5 in a row, with the 5th being only 8 hours, which was kinda like CAKE after the 12s I was pulling! Tuesday was kinda crazy, I had two patients back to back with heart attacks. One had already happened and that pt was being send to Sinai the next day to fix his blockage (damage had been done, therefore no rush in doing the surgery). The other pt had a hx of an MI, with a stent already being placed, had a very odd looking EKG....... In addition to a nice 5-6 second pause after four heart beats, then four more and a pause.....His heart was slowing down to a rate in the THIRTIES! Not a good thing.........I think that was all to note for that nigh; besides a pt with an infected insect bite where the bite was about dime/nickel sized and about 1/2 - 3/4 inch DEEP. When the Dr. Pulled out the 'puss plug' as I called it......I almost threw up, it was a bit more than I was ready for! The 8 hour nice was kinda nice because I was the 'float' nurse who basically did whatever anyone needed............................And its nice to be able to help people back after they have all helped me so much.

The schedule is not out for August, not too happy about that, but o well. Maybe early next week, if not it will be Thursday and of course I won't be back at work till Tuesday after that and therefore probably won't see it till then.

Busy-ness

Working sun, mon, tues, fri this week............So far all I can say is BUSY - NESS. Sunday was nice and relaxing, not too stressful although I got moved around in a few zones, but that's all good. Don't recall anything exciting except the fact that there was a police chase that ended in our parking lot............And the pt was brought in to us (he wasn't hurt just homicidal, nice real nice)!

Anyway Monday was freaking insane. Mondays are always bad, that's a given, this one however, was especially painful. I'm talking 15 people in the waiting room - some waiting up to FOUR hours to get to the back, and then sometimes an hour or 2 before seeing a Dr. Scary but true, and I know its not just our ER. Last night we admitted damn near all the patients we saw............And of course the hospital is fairly full, so that just made the situation worse! No place to put the people once we got them all admitted! Only item I can think of to note was my handcuffed to the stretcher, under arrest patient with a BA of 0.43 - and no that's not a damn typo! Alcoholic for freaking sure, cause he was pretty well with it when I got to him, not long after the blood was drawn.

All for now, I'm going to bed - didn't sleep for shit yesterday, and tonight is my 3rd in a row so I'm sure its gonna be a long one!

I'm free / Payback's a bitch

Interesting title you say? Well here's the last three nights at work for ya! (Keep in mind Sunday was not a scheduled day, I picked up the extra time for extra $.....And originally had only picked up 8 hours and they called and asked if I could come in at 7 instead of 11, so I did! That also translated in to making over 48 bucks an hour while I was there and one of the other 2 days was time and a half cause it was a holiday, damn that checks gonna be sweeeeeeeeeeeeetttt).

So, Sunday was my first night off orientation and it was awesome........Ok well not really at first. I get there and the parking lot is fairly empty which is ALWAYS a good sign. I find out that I am taking over A zone, which has 2 trauma and 2 psych rooms, which is usually good, and since it was my first night off orientation I felt good that they were giving me one of the zones with trauma rooms - must trust me on some level, huh?

Anyway, I cant find the girl I need to take report from so I go hunting.......And find her in trauma room 1. I walked in the door and she had this look like are u kidding me? Now I know her, and she's only been a nurse for like 1-2 years, so she's still new also. In any case she says 'This is a one on one patient, you wont be able to leave this room'. And she said r u on your own now? I said yes, she said this is not fair for them to give you this patient - "I've been off orientation a long time and I've been shitting my pants all night". But it didn't matter, she was mine. This pt was older, came in with trouble breathing, just was d/c'ed from the hospital last week for something else, I think maybe a UTI. Anyway, when she came in her heart rate was only like 40 - she was definitely symptomatic because she was going in and out of consciousness. They had to hook her up to the machines and because she was having runs of V-tach (meaning her heart was doing the thing it does just before it decides to stop) on and off, they had to pace her with the machine. Now imagine being awake and alert and having a shock sent through your skin - I'm gonna go with ouch. Well her pressure was too low, so they couldn't give her anything for the pain so this lady is just living through it. Next in order to get her heart rate higher they gave her 3 different doses of Atropine, the drug that is supposed to speed up your heart. It did NOTHING....so next comes Epinephrine, the 'fight or flight' hormone that also makes your heart rate go up. Well that worked, but it also sent her BP through the damn roof. At this point they could finally give her a little something to calm her and had to start her on something for the pressure. Lets just say when it was time to transport her upstairs I was just about needing new underwear for the shear fear that she was gonna code on our way up there, or in the elevator or something......God help me.............And he did. She made it safe and sound, thank the lord. And I headed back to my safety zone! I got back and the charge nurse clapped, I looked at her and said I'm spent, can you take it easy on me the rest of night? Of course I started laughing and she knew I was kidding..............But inside I was really think, no I'm not kidding! But this is my life now, so u suck it up and go one. Bottom line is it was a good learning experience, put me in my place my first night out, and reminded me why I do what I do - cause I can make a difference and so many people don't have that option/ability in their jobs. The rest of the night was CAKE......Actually bring I broke out the book! I did however make over 250 bucks extra that night over my normal. Id have to say it was worth it!

Monday was crazy busy but I cant think of any interesting things that I had other than just plum being BUSY all night long!

Now Tuesday, that's a whole other bag of worms. Got C zone, had 1/2 the psych pod (which I like) and 2 regular rooms. Now I had one really cool pt who was in for chest pain and when I said do u need anything right now, he said "beer and crabs" now that's my kinda man. I told him I didn't know if I would be able to help with that request, however if I was able to (and he finished this sentence not me) "you'll be in my room partaking right? I said u got it! Besides being busy it was craziness.................In the psych pod I got one pt who was soooo drunk the blood alcohol level was 0.36 -where u have to be at/below 0.8 to legally be driving. She was a mess kicking and trying to escape - so after she managed to kick 2 security guards and tried to leave twice, we tied her down. At that point it was for the pts safety as well as our own. I was called everything in the book, not that I haven't heard some of them before! As the night continued I had like NO time to chart just had little notes all over my scrap paper in my pocket (that's how u learn to live in the ER). Another pt in the pod was a pt who has been to our ER like 7 times in the past 2 weeks for ingesting odd items - and he has had surgery each time to remove the items. Well he was in the ER early in the day Tuesday for eating some part f a pen, had it removed and was released back to the psychiatric hospital that he lives in. Well he managed to elope from the people taking him back to the hospital and was wandering on our property..........And decided to eat something else. This time a freaking pop top from a soda can. U know the little part that u actually open the can with? And the round sharp part that goes inside the can after its open, yeah he ate all of that.......We knew he'd be going to the OR but for fear that he would eat the IV we put in him we had to wait till like 640 in order to put one in - that was of course after 4 people had attempted to get blood and get IV access. On top of that at liek 4 am we were busy as all get out heard an overheard page for a CODE BLUE in CCU (critical care) so techs and transporters take off, they have to help wtih compressions and stuff. Wel literally like 3 inutes aftet that annoucement is made, we have our own code in a patient who was just up and out of bed on the bedside commode. She was put back in bed and taken off the one monitor to hook her up to another so she could be transported to the floor, and during those 30 seconds, bam her heart stopped just like that. So in one of the smaller rooms we have in the ER there were like 9 people attempting to rusussitate and save this lady. Thankfully it worked, but had no one been right next to her when it happened, it may not have. Nightmare I tell U........................I didn't leave till EIGHT AM because I had to finish up on my charting.

I'm on this weekend I am sure it will prove to be a bang cause people will be coming back from vacations and end up with all kinds things wrong with them! I'm on Sat, Sun, Monday, Tuesday. U probably wont hear from me at all during that time!

Boston Market

What are we known for? you got it, we started as a Homestyle meals restaurant with our main dish being.......CHICKEN.

So i decided today to go to Boston Market to enjoy a meal like so many other people like to do. And here is the conversation.
Worker: Welcome to bostom market can i help you
Customer #1: Can i get the one-forth chicken meal.
Worker: (looking around) I'm sorry sir we dont have any chicken right now.
Customer #1: (perplexed, checking out the menu) I guess I'll have the turkey sandwich.

Good thing they have expanded their menu over the years.

Customer #1: Can i get that with just the turkey and bread.
Worker: OK. Would you like a side/vegetable.
Customer#1: No the read will do.
K: Can i get the turkey meal......
CC: Can i get the turkey meal....
Costomer #2: Can i get the 1/2 chicken.
Worker: (looking around) I'm sorry sir we dont have any chicken right now.
Customer #2: Um Ok
K: I think she just gave that guy the wrong sandwich, cause she's still making one mack there.
C: Uh-oh
Customer #1: I think its right. But now you have me thinking i better check. Its the right one. I'm gonna have to tell my wife there's some one else out there looking out for me when she's not there.

We all leave the restaurant.

As we return to our place of employment.

K: C watch this I'm gonna make the girls laugh.
C:Oh tell them
K: "Welcome to boston market, home of the rotisserie chicken. Can i take your order. We have not chicken right now"
T: ????
K2: I've actually been in Boston Market when tey have no chicken before.

So apparently this in normal for them. Next I'm gonna hear McDonald's is out of fries and Burger King has no burgers. How do you run out of what you as a restaurant are know for. I can see it now, the next tragedy. Jimmy Cone is out of Ice Cream

After the weekend work

Well, I was back to work tues, weds, thurs. We were BUSY.........And the whole freaking hospital is full so not only do we get the patients that are true ER patients that walk in/come by ambo, we have boarders also. I had several of them this week. Nothing terribly exciting, at least that I can think of right now.

O, and the cardiac arrest that we brought back......Yea they harvested some of the pts organs Tuesday night - that was apparently a big thing we don't get to have often at our hospital. Anyway, at least some good came out of that event.

Little man is on his way here today!! Has called me for the past 3 days wanting to talk to his Aunt Bethy - and today he called and said "guess what Aunt Bethy - we are on our way!". He's so damn cute I cant stand it :).

Back to work on Sunday so don't expect much on this weekend. After I work Sunday-Tues nights we go to Florida first thing Weds morning and come back Sunday after noon at which point I proceed to go back to work that night......gonna be a rough 2 weeks!

And guess what, after those TWO WEEKS......................I'm on my own! I'll be working my own zone with no one on my toes or tail to check my charting or make sure I am on top of everything. How freaking scary is that................But so awesome, cause I can FINALLY start earning some overtime. I intend on making it to the beach some this summer, however I can also make anywhere from 40-60 an HOUR once I'm in overtime. Gonna love that........... :)

Weekend work

(This is soooooooooooooooo late, I am sorry I'm a slacker, just been working my tail off!)

Well, as expected last weekend was no let down in the good ol ER!

Thursday was nice and calm, no major action, had A zone m- with 2 trauma and 2 psych rooms - which always allows for some fun and excitement. Anyway it was a nice night.

Friday - well holy sh*t is all I've got to say about that! Although it wasn't as busy as Friday nights tend to be - we sure did have some serious excitement (for our little ol ER). We had not one but TWO STABBINGS (related event), a CARDIAC ARREST that we got back (yes, that is right - the patient is alive now, which is a VERY unusual case), I saw two central lines put in - IV access directly to the heart (which I have seen NONE of since I started), and a severe respiratory distress who had to be intubated - I got to push those meds as well.

Saturday was kinda like Thursday, nice and steady yet not slammed - and I had A zone again which I love to have, cause you get more critical patients and some loons!

I found out......I'm one of them!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........................................

Had to get blood drawn today just for check-ups sake and guess what??? Yes, I am one of 'those people' that I don't like ot have as patients. The kind with crappy veins. Leave it to me - to not be a huge fan of sticking people (although I have become quite good, at least for those with decent veins) and yet be one of those people who have crappy veins. She had to stick me twice - once in the A/C space (inside your elbow) and once in the HAND!! Craziness is all I have to say. I dont want to be one of those people, but believe me its one of those things that you have no control over.

In any case, lets see - weekend was nice. O's game on Sunday was actually quite fun and we beat them damn Yankees (yippeee!!!!!!!!!!). Saturday was a shower and Colleen's crab feast/summer BBQ - which was also nice. And might I add Karen and I took Buckley off the Beer Pong table - she had one 5 games in a row and I took her down (Karen did the drinking, I did the sinkin!). Anyway it was fun all the way around. I need to have a party here - but just kidding I bet no one would come cause it so damn far away!

This week, lunch with Jeff today and probably tomorrow; carnival with miss Justice and her momma tomorrow night; Weds lunch with kelly - a friend from Nursing school and back to Arundel Mills to take back a stethescope (and hopefully get Tom to meet me somewhere to get these stupid speakers and sub-woofer out of my car, as well as get my camera back); Thursday I dont know what and then to work.

I'm on Thursday, Friday, Saturday this weekend, which most likely means its gonna be a doosy - weekends are usually busy! This is week #4 of my last ones................#3 next week - and then #2, and then #1 - holy crap I will be on my own as scary as that is beginning July 1st! Exciting (I think).

Anyone want to go to Hershey Park this summer? How about Atlantic City? I want to do them both and I will even make it on a weekend so those of you who work M-F can go if of course, u are interested! Comment on this if u are interested.

I just love this commercial.........

I only wish I was able to download the commercial instead of these two goofy ass looking old ladies.

Duh...........

I've seen/heard a few lines lately that have made it necessary for me to state the following:

I HAVE attended:
St. Judes (grade school)
Academy of the Holy Cross (High school)
High Pointy University (BS in Biology)
Marymount University (AAS in Nursing)

I HAVE NOT attended the following:
Ivy League School of Bull-Shit
Human, but still Amazingly Gullible school
Sounds good to me when I say it school (but looks way stupid in print)

I temporarily attended the :
I don't want to listen to anyone else because I'm love blind school
Although I'm stressed/tapped to the max, I still put your dumb ass first school

At least I can say I've learned the err of my ways, and that I'm doing very well in "Here's my life and this is how I'm living it school". Some of you may figure out who I'm pinpointing in this post, others may not, but I know who I'm poking at and that's all that matters!!

The past week

It's not that I'm a slacker or anything, its that between 645 pm on the 18th and 12 noon yesterday, I managed to work SEVENTY SIX HOURS...................

Needless to say I didn't do a damn thing over those seven days, other than cramming a date in on Sunday which was nice! And I ate wayyyyyy too much Mama Lucia's - that place can make anyone fat with the amount of food they serve~!

Passed my EKG test and can now take my patients to the floor with the transporter, how cool is that?? One month to go and I'm on my own! Freaking out, but getting excited all at the same time!

Chillin this weekend, was supposed to beach it, but plans changed. Will do that soon though, cause I'm going to be feeling the need for sunshine!

On a side note, I was stopped at a light tonight after I left the grocery store and I looked out my passenger window to see a beautiful Monarch butterfly just flying around right there outside my window. Couldn't help but think it was Dad dropping by to say hello - and I got all warm and fuzzy and had a big smile on my face. Just thought I'd share!

Happy holiday weekend everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats just plain WRONG

Got gas for $2.99 a couple of days ago and thought that was a "good" price. And i know we all wish we could go back to those lower prices but PLEASE lets not let it ever come to this.

I'd rather you run out of gas on 270 like Jason. At least then we might be able to forgive you, and all enjoy a good laugh.

Grey's quotes/comments

Well the two parts of the season finale were both awesome.

Quotes (in no particular order this week)

She-Shepard: "I'm sorry I've got a question to ask. And I'm having a hard time, and I really don't want to know the answer, but I need to know. Are u sleeping with my husband?" Meredith: "No not since I knew he was married"

Monologue on Anger: “So what makes anger diff from the 6 other deadly sins? It's pretty simple really, u get into a sin like envy or pride and u only hurt yourself. Try lust or coveting and u will only hurt yourself or one or two others. But anger, anger is the worst - the mother of all sins. Not only can anger drive u over the edge, u can take a lot of other people with u. "

Ortho-doc: "I have verbal diarrhea and I'm a moron"

She-Shepard: "The only people who don't know that Derrick loves Meredith are Derrick and Meredith" (pause) "How can I compete with that?"

Christina (to Burke): "That was my best supportive girlfriend, u kind of ruined it with medicine"

Shephard to Burke: "Preston Xavier Burke" (you know its serious business when it’s the FULL name)

Bailey: "You fools better have a GOOD explanation for this!" "Step away from the patient"
Izzie: “I can’t; I have to pump his heart"

Burke: "Shepherd...."
Shephard: "You don’t have to thank me. I'm sure one day you will repay the favor."
Burke: "I was going to say try not to kill me"

George: "I knew that you didn't feel that way even when we were in bed that night. But, I figured one night with you was better than never. So will you just quit saying that u are sorry because u didn’t know any better; but I did. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry Meredith."

Izzie (to Denny): "We should date and have sex, plenty of sex!"

Denny: "For the last 5 years doctors have made each and every choice for me. Now, I have a heart that works the way it’s supposed to, and I get to make my own choices. So what I choose is you. You are who I want to go to bed with at night and wake up with and do everything in between that with. I get a choice now, I get to chose u, and I chose Izzie Stevens." (Ok, this is so romantic, and so awesome; something that every girl dreams to have said to her and truly meant. And this crazy chick walks away!)

Denny: "I tricked her into marring me, how smart am I?"

The chief's niece: "Be kind to him, he loves me. I've been loved and that's something everyone should have once in their life."

George: "Do u want to go to prom with me?"
Ortho-girl: "No George no I don’t want to go to prom with you" (later on.....)
Ortho-girl: “I said I love u I said it out loud to your face and now I’m getting avoided.
George: “I’m not avoiding you. Stop fighting me"
Ortho-girl: "What, are u going to say it back?"
George: "No, I'm not going to say it back. If I say it now, it will just be because you said it. When I say I love u I want to mean it because........ U just have to give me some time to mean it."

McVet: "I just get from sun up to sun down; I used to never be able to plan for the future. But Right now looking at u, damn I have all kinds of plans."

McDreamy: "Meredith"
Meredith: "Leave me alone”
McDreamy: "Meredith, I just want to make sure u are alright"
Meredith: "No, I'm not alright because u have a wife and u called me a whore and our dog died and stop looking at me. U are looking at me and u watch me. Just stop"
McDreamy: "U think I want to look at u? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I am married. She doesn't driving me crazy, she doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my vet touching her with his hands. You have no idea how bad I want to NOT be looking at u"

Karev: "The minute his heart stopped beating, he stopped being Denny. I know u loved him. I know he loves u and a guy who loves u like that doesn’t want u to do this to yourself. (then he picked Izzie up and held her)" (gosh, they are really trying to bring his character back from a-hole status. but what he did was awesome, and heart-wrenching at the same time)

Izzie to the chief: "It was me, I cut his LVad wire. I did and no one helped me. U know, I thought I was a surgeon, but I am not. So I quit."

Peanut gallery comments:
**On Meredith/McDreamy: I cant believe they got it on..........So going to make them both even more f'ing confused.........don't I know all about that (ok, Im not the only one, but I am one of the more recent ones)
**Those mean tv execs went to commercial on Denny’s flatline (the second one) o man was I pissed.
**I think I cried harder when Denny died than anyone other than Izzie did - craziness
**No girl should ever be stuck in that position that Meredith was in tonight. Completely, completely unfair. The girl has for sure done some things wrong, as have we all, but.........Having to look at the man u fell in love with (but wasn't/didn’t want to be in love with you) to one side and the man who is falling in love with you on the other. Having to choose, that’s murder.

Awesome weekend

Well, this weekend was full of fun stuff. Had a date Friday night, and yes that says FRIDAY night and I had a great time.

Saturday I had pinning at school. Was pretty neat (even though my pin isn't in yet...) - was kinda nice being recognized for the program of study we were in and the fact that nurses are super special people, at least I like to think we are! About 11 Saturday night Mom and I decided to take my cap & gown out of the package to iron it so we didn't have to deal with it Sunday...............Only to find out the one they gave me was for someone SIX FOOT ONE.......Not a good thing. It was genuinely FLOOR length on me! Needless to say we were up till 1 hemming the damn thing and tacking up the arms since my hands were truly hidden in the damn thing!!

Graduation was awesome. Some some people I haven't seen in quite some time, some from the first semester I was in school. Nice to know that although some didn't make it through the program, the majority of us hung in and made it through. It was also AWESOME that Colin Powell was our speaker, and I got to SHAKE his HAND!! How awesome! He was a great speaker really brought some life to the day (cause I think graduations are boring as hell). Already decided if I do finish my BSN, I'm not freaking walking.............And probably not for an MSN. The only thing I may consider walking again for would be a PhD (and yes u can get one in nursing), an NP, or if I decide to become a Nurse anesthetist. Its gonna have to be something BIG for me to go through all that crap again!

Anyway, it was a great weekend and although I've been working and I've had my diploma since February sometime, the whole experience was way cool!

Grey's 5/7

I'm depressed, only 2 episodes remain in the season, but I'm WAY excited they are two nights in a row next weekend!!! Maybe I'll have a party or something??!?!?!?!

Here we go!

McVet: "Drink this and try to act like u aren't scary and damaged"
Meredith: "I'm not scary or damaged"

Izzie: "4 dates and 2sleepoverss at his house and no sex?"
Meredith: "Not even a kiss good night!"
Izzie: "O, I'm proud. I'm like a proud mama" (this sounds soooo like something my friends would say to me!!)

Karev: "The she-Shepard just comes right in here and pulls me off a surgery?"
Bailey: "U burned the she-Shepard, she burns u back"

Meredith to McDreamy: "U don't get to call me a whore. When I met u I thought I had found the person I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. U left me. U chose Addison. I had to repair the damage u had done. I make NO apologies for how I repaired what u broke." (sounds like a real good way to explain it to me!)
McDreamy (ok he's not so McDreamy anymore): "This thing with u and me, its over."
Meredith: "Finally."

And some comments from the peanut gallery (me):
**Why is it NOT okay that Christina fell asleep when she had finished, but men can fall asleep (or finish) whenever they chose (girls finished or not!)????!!!!!!!
**I'm gonna punch Karev - no joke I might just punch him thru the damn TV! (Ok maybe he has slightly saved himself by delivering that baby without Addison.)

Been deflowered...... in the ER world that is.......

Tonight I had my first cardiac arrest patient - and yes, he died. In the ER (at least ours), you're no longer a 'virgin' once this happens.

For clarification (cause its not something most people have a clear understanding of and according to Kristine ( :) ), I cant speak medical talk to everyone "u know we all haven't been to nursing school!!" , a patient having a heart attack (MI) is not the same as someone in cardiac arrest. Heart attack is when an area of the heart is deprived of oxygen because of a blockage in a vessel that serves that area - and therefore the area of tissue dies. Yes, a heart attack can lead to cardiac arrest. Cardiac arrest is literally when your heart stops beating - the electrical component of the heart stops working. At that point, blood is not moving throughout your body - not to your brain, your lungs or your tissues. Not a good thing. For starters people who have a true cardiac arrest - unless medical attention is received within a FEW minutes - rarely make it out alive; something like 95% of people die before they reach the hospital. Sad & scary fact, but true.

Back to tonight; so when I picked up the zone I had tonight, I knew I had the room we save for codes - meaning if one came in, it was going to be mine. This was only the second time I think I've had that zone. Had the other trauma zone numerous times, but not this one. I can't say I was shocked when we got the call, last week there were several and the nurses that have been there a while say they come in droves. So I had a feeling there Doesn't be one. Doesn't mean I was happy or looking forward to it. This is however, my job. It was like 1030 when we got the call over the box from the ambulance telling us they were on their way with an estimated arrival time of 7 minutes. I was just about frozen in my shoes and OOOOHHH SSSSHHHHHHHHH******TTTTTTT was all I could get through my mind.

The ambulance rolled through the door at 1046, and I sort of begun taking it all in. First, let me say there are very 'few' things for a nurse to do in a code (its pretty much the same procedure each time we have one, there is only so much u can do depending on what physical state the patient arrives in). Hook up the heart monitor (BP cuff, Pulse ox, EKG); hook up the defibrillator, get IV access, strip the patient, and O2. Dr's don't have a ton to do either - they get a tube down the patient's throat for airway access, call for meds to be pushed, call for shocking, access and few other things There were at least 2 doctors, 5 nurses and 3 techs in the room, along with the 'recorder' (who takes the notes on the exact times things occur). Being my first one, most of the other nurses in the room sort of jumped in doing things, and telling me why and what they were doing. Nurses also push the meds, fluids and shock the pt. when the Dr. orders it. We couldn't get IV access through a peripheral line (arm, hand, etc), so the Dr. put in a femoral (where your leg bends @ the hip) line - better, larger access anyway, but not done by a nurse. Once that was in we began pushing fluids and meds per the Dr. There is usually one nurse who only pushes the meds, and the others do whwasn'ter else is needed. I wasn't the med nurse, I honestly was taking it all in. At one point we got enough of a response on the EKG monitor for the patient to be shocked, so we did. And yes, their arms fly up and the body kind of jumps off the bed. Nothing happened. Pushed more meds trying to get a response, but still nothing. The tech doing compressions needed a break, so I got a chance to do some. The Dr. did, however call the TOD (time of death) at 11:10. We did everything we could, but it just didn't work. 25 minutes, and it was all over. (This patient was 72, had extensive cardiac history and had recently left the hospital, so there were physical reasons for the arrest.)

Although I didn't do a lot of hands on during the code, I did get to do compressions on a real person - COMPLETELY different from CPR training. I did have to help clean the body up and prepare it to be seen by the family. I did go with the Dr. to tell the spouse (and let me just say last week was NOT the week to have that on my plate). I got real choked up when the spouse began to bawl - thought I was going to lose it - but I sucked it up and reminded myself there will be days like this, doing what I do. I had to take the spouse to be with the body. I had to start the death coordination form, which includes calling the donor hotline and telling them someone died. I did have to ensure the chart was in order, and that there was a death certificate pulled aside for the Dr. who was going to come in and sign it. I did have to help take the body off the bed (in a body bag) and place it on the little thing that goes in the fridge. I did also have to work another 8 hours knowing that a patient of 'mine' died. Not by any fault of my own, but none the less, was gone.

I still love my job and what I do - but have a much better respect for the fact that some days I will go home having a 'not so good' feeling.

Butterfly Release

Dad's Memorial was awesome. A little bit of chaos cause all the balloons with the butterflies on the ends got tied up due to the wind!! We improvised and it all worked out. I've pasted some pictures in here, hope you can see the real butterflies along with the balloon ones. It was pretty cool.

Read some poems, released the butterflies, then the balloons, and then one last poem. After that we went and had a little party!!

Here's the video if u want to see it - in three pieces. The middle one is the longest, about 8 minutes(OK I JUST FOUND OUT THIS STOPS AT 2 MINUTES, WORKING ON FIXING THAT PART - RIGHT NOW IT DOESNT SHOW THE RELEASE - SORRY! WHEN ITS FIXED ILL POST A NOTE). Its the main part of the ceremony including when we released the butterflies and had the balloon release. Its also off my digital camera, so its not crystal clear, but u can hear the poems and such that we read.


Video Hosting - Upload Video - Photo Sharing


Video Hosting - Upload Video - Photo Sharing


Video Hosting - Upload Video - Photo Sharing

Here's some pics if you weren't there (and even if you were!)-
Balloons with butterflies on the ends (you might have to look close)

The family shot.

A poem written for Dad by my friend Adriana:

One Foot in Front of the Other

Ten years, Dad, with one foot in front of the other
Sometimes wishing you could carry me along the way.
I haven't always known which path to take or road to follow,
Or which words to keep to myself or say.
There have been times when I've needed you to talk to,
And I find myself holding pictures of times I wish we had more of.
The best I can do is pine through those memories
And bring up your gentle voice, your warmth, your love.
But your spirit gives me the courage and strength
To tread and charge with a heart full of conviction,
To follow my dreams, to respect myself and others
While I puddle jump life's harder transitions.
There have been times when I've needed a little Bronco
And times when I've needed to relax and step back,
And though it's harder to do with you up there rather than next to me,
I can still feel it when you pick up my slack.
I can tell when I notice butterfly wings flutter,
I can feel it when the sunshine breaks through the cloud,
I can smell it when I pump my gas at a Texaco,
And I know it when I raise my diploma up proud.
Ten years have slowed me down a little
I'm in no rush to let life just pass me by.
I keep looking back trying to recapture details,
Letting them fill the water in my eyes.
But, it's one foot in front of the other,
One sunrise and one sunset at a time.
I've got this one chance of a lifetime, Dad,
One hell of a mountain to climb.
And you'll be with me at every moment,
You've never strayed from side,
It's just that sometimes I have to remember,
That my eyes can't always see what's inside.

- Adriana Murphy
May 1, 2006

Grey's 4/30

O thank goodness they FINALLY showed us a new episode!! And man did I think it was a good one! Maybe its because I had to wait so long - or the lack of sleep I had, but I found numerous things hysterical.

Here's my quotes:

Meredith: "He's McVet"

Christina: " Burke, I laid on top of you NAKED last night, so why don't you act nostalgic about that!"

Meredith (to McVet): "No, I'm single and knitting"

Addison to Alex (the a-hole): "So just do your job with your mouth shut"

Meredith to Bailey: 'I'm knitting these days. Plus I'm thinking of going on a date with a vet"
Bailey: "Grey what makes you think I care?"

Meredith to McDreamy: "You know bad sex is not something wives want the dirty ex-mistress to know about"
McDreamy to Meredith: "Your not the dirty ex-mistress, you're a friend"


And finally in light of Dad's 10-year anniversary -

Denny (I think): "Life is too damn short to follow the rules"

Chicken Parm at 2am

Not a normal thing you say?? Well apparently for me it is! That's what time I got to eat the dinner we ordered that I think arrived at like 9. It was still good and quite frankly I was starved so anything probably would have tasted awesome! I also had a Dunkin Donut at 4 am, I can see that the night shift likes to eat crap, but so do I so we are a good fit! Lets just say I opened a bag of Oreos after my dinner, so about 230 and they were basically gone by 630. And I only had 2!

Good night, lots of firsts the more I do for the first time, the more exciting - and yet scary - it is! I did however, have to start an IV (or try I should say) on a FOUR YEAR OLD..........O man was I dreading that. I will say, that both times I tried I got blood, but the guys working with me said I must have hit a valve on one and a bi-furcation on the other. That my technique was perfect and I obviously was in the right place because I got the flashback, but it just wasn't meant to be. And the one who did get it in after me had to 'fish' around in the kids arm cause the vein was all over the place. I was looking at the vein the hand they wanted me to try and all I could think was, is that thing bigger than a piece of thread? And you want me to get a needle in there??????

PS I've now been up for 23 hours straight, never got my nap yesterday. I have a feeling at the end of my 3 12's I am going to be EXHAUSTED. And look at what day that will be - Dad's memorial. So here's to hoping I make it through the weekend! O and I decided to only order one dozen butterflies that way I only lose 1/3 of the $ if for some reason they don't fly. The weather was still borderline but I so badly want to do this. I cant wait to see what happens!

good night