Two in two weeks

I've been in the ER nearly a year (next month it will be) and until now, I've been lucky enough to not have this experience, but last night I witnessed the second of two pediatric arrests in two weeks. Two innocent beautiful babies died (9 months and 17 months). Fortunately neither were my patient, but it was something I 'needed' to see for the time that comes when it will be my patient.

I saw two different parts of the process. The first arrest, I saw them roll the baby through the doors and into the room (at the very start of a shift, not really a good way to begin). Then I saw bits and pieces of the attempts to save this childs life. TWENTY ONE people in the room from nurses to docs to techs to respiratory therapists - everyone trying to do something to help. There were even a few of us just watching for the simple fact we hadn't seen a pediatric resuccitaion in progress before. I knew it wasnt that different than an adult, but I needed to see it. I dont want to be a disaster when I have to be the pts direct nurse. It was amazing to see that many people in the room because for an adult arrest there are probably no more than ten people. And not because adults dont matter so to speak, I just think in a pediatric situation everyone needs to feel like they are doing something to help. The first parents were less dramatic than I would expect out of someone who lost a kid, but I know everyone reacts differently. I only saw that baby while they were performing compressions and bagging the kid and pushing meds. While it was still being worked on. I wouldnt be surprised if something turns up in the investigation on this one, the family dynamics were very odd and their hygiene sucked (in fact they smelt like cat piss).

In the second arrest, I knew the ambo had called and consulted. I knew they were coming and I actually wanted to be in there start to finish, but because I had my own patient load I couldnt. I missed all of this one didnt see them come in, didnt see them work on the kid. What I did see, or really hear was the parents hysterically sobbing. The mom had to be wheeled down the hall she couldnt even walk. The Dad left the room and was walking down the hall just bawling his eyes out. That was horrible. I was literally seconds from losing it myself. Just imagining the weight on your heart after an ordeal like that. Honestly how the hell do u even get out of bed? I certainly don't think I could. For pediatric patients we have a color coded bag that is stocked with the proper equipment and meds for patients based on their weights. You have easier, faster access to the items that will fit the child based on weight versus having to search or try several different ones. Adults are built differently and there isnt so much variance. This bag, once used has to be restocked acccording to a list we have detailing the sizes that belong to each color. Tonight the nurse responsible for the baby asked if I had ever seen it restocked, I said no and she said ok when I stock it you can learn. We went into the room, and I knew the baby was still there. (There has to be an autopsy and police investigation into any pediatric arrest) So the baby was waiting to be taken to downtown Baltimore for the autopsy. In any case, I walked in and the baby was so sweet looking just like a porcelin doll. Still had the tube down his throat, covered mostly with a blanket. So peaceful. Yes, his face was very lifeless with a blue/purple tint to it, but all I wanted to do was stroke his little face. It just seemed so unfair - whether he was 'in a better place' or not - he was so sweet, so innocent, just a baby. I felt the tears welling up. I didn't touch him but I wanted to, I just couldnt stand the thought of him being alone although I knew he was gone. It was just sad, and I can assure you when it is my direct patient, I will be a disaster. I just hope and pray that no one I personally know will ever have to deal with this. And I pray for those that do.